In Search for Peace
Note: this story may be emotionally challenging to some readers due to details of gender-based violence, severe mental ill-health and attempted suicide.
"I don’t have any happy memories. But if you ask me about sad memories, yes, I have them.” said Qadira* in her soft melancholic voice.
Qadira was married by her family when she was just thirteen years old. Despite her love and respect for her husband, she suffered immensely throughout those years of her marriage.
Earlier, Qadira had studied in primary school for two years but dropped out to take care of her sick mother and siblings. She lived with her seven siblings and two kind parents in one of the neighborhoods of Mosul. There, Qadira spent the best moments of her life.
However, just a few years later, she was married to Salman*, her brother’s best friend in the military. Salman met Qadira on one of his visits to their home and soon asked for her hand. Little Qadira was too young then to realise what marriage was about. Qadira said, “So when I was asked to get married, I did. My siblings then started to grow older and were able to help my family. I was thirteen years old then, and I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know there were problems in marriage.”
As soon as she moved to live with her husband in her in-law’s house, her mother-in-law, Sumaia*, started to abuse her verbally, psychologically, and physically. Life proved to be very difficult for Qadira.
Qadira was so fearful she couldn’t say a word, ask for anything, or just mind her own business. Sumaia would often hit her and tried to break the strong ties Qadira and Salman had. Qadira remembered painfully, “My mother-in-law would not allow me to eat. If I got hungry, I had to wait for her to go out of the house to eat. My husband was in the military. When he was on leave from the military, my mother-in-law would get resentful seeing us talking and spending time together. When I tried to shower, she didn’t allow me to.”
Salman was also affected by the way Sumaia treated Qadira, but he was unable to defend his wife or stand against his mother. Instead, to express his resentment towards the situation, he would break things at home in his room. “All the items in my room were broken,” recalled Qadira.
One time, while Qadira was washing dishes, Sumaia slapped her from behind. Qadira didn’t respond, didn’t tell her parents what she was going through, and kept all the agony to herself. She thought it was better that way than to make the problem bigger. Because she loved Salman and wanted to stay with him very much, she didn’t want to give up on their marriage. Qadira said, “I was the kind of person who would not talk. I didn’t respond to all that she did to me. But inside, I felt suffocated. I would just cry. And those who saw me crying didn’t understand that I needed someone. I needed someone to understand me and talk to me to help me vent. I needed that. But they didn’t understand me. They (her in-laws) were always shouting at me.”
Nevertheless, the experience was too much for Qadira to bear. One day she decided to take her own life. Qadira took a sheet of her brother-in-law’s epilepsy drug and lost consciousness immediately. She was soon hospitalised and saved from the ordeal. Qadira said on her motive behind this attempted suicide, “I did that to end my suffering.”
Over the years, Qadira brought five children into the world, miscarried seven, and divorced Salman twice, only to return to him eventually.
After years of marriage and living with her in-law’s family, Qadira and Salman moved out to a house of their own. Qadira thought then that life would be peaceful for them and that now she could take some rest from stress and live comfortably with Salman and her children. Soon after, Salman remarried and brought his second wife to live with Qadira and her children. After getting a second wife, Qadira noticed that Salman changed drastically. He would abuse her verbally and physically. Qadira said bitterly, “Before, he never hit me. When he retired from work, he would leave the pension with me. After his second marriage, if I said or asked anything, he would hit me immediately. He would hurt me so badly, he almost killed me, and I would never respond. Now I cannot comb my hair from how much my head hurts because of his slaps. One time he hit me with the long handle of the floor brush. Even now, my head hurts, and I have to take painkillers every now and then.”
Today Qadira is 46 years old, and her five children have grown up. Two of her daughters are married and living on their own. Two of her sons are in their adolescent years, have dropped out of school, and are working as labourers because they couldn’t cope with the violence at home and had no help with their homework. Meanwhile, the youngest is eleven, and Qadira hopes he will finish school and not drop out like his brothers. Qadira shared, “My seventeen-year-old son told me, ‘I don’t feel like going to school after the violence between you two. I don’t like school, I will never return.’ He is also mentally fatigued.”
Qadira had a neighbouring tailor she treated like a friend and felt comfortable confiding in about her home issues and problems. One day, this tailor told Qadira about an opportunity at World Vision Iraq’s Safe Return Project, an Australian Aid initiative implemented by World Vision Iraq on behalf of the Australian Government. “She told me it is better to go out and breath fresh air.” said Qadira.
While Salman was violent to Qadira at home, he did allow her to go out of home. This gave Qadira the opportunity to join World Vision Iraq’s savings group with nine other women and also participate in Group Problem Management Plus sessions to help her manage her psychological problems due to the violence at home. Qadira started to save between 5,000 IQD and 10,000 IQD (3.82 USD to 7.63 USD) every week. After one year, she was able to buy a tandoor, a traditional stove in Iraq for breadmaking. From there, she started to make traditional bread for the people in her neighborhood. This way, she was helping herself and her children. Qadira shared, “Things are going well now. People call me, and I bake for them. I am now self-reliant for my livelihood. My husband doesn’t give me money, and I am relying on myself. After he got married, he stopped giving me money. I bake, and the things I need to buy, I get from the breadmaking. I buy the essentials, and if my children need or want something, I can buy it for them. And if I don’t have money, I tell them I didn’t bake today.”
She continued, “In the beginning, before engaging with the organisation, I was lonely. I was always stressed and anxious. I became nervous with my children. I got to know Amna, a World Vision staff member, and she was very nice and comforting. The whole staff, especially Amna, made me feel free and comfortable and always gave me kind words. After joining the organisation’s activities, I became very comfortable.”
Amna, the World Vision Community Mobiliser, noted, “I was very sad for her. She was always talking about her husband and mother-in-law but she considered World Vision Iraq as a family. She attended the organisation’s sessions, whether savings group or Group Problem Management Plus, regularly. Before, she didn’t have friends and was walking to the sessions alone. But now she has made friends and walks together with them to the venue. Her mental health has improved. Before, whenever she was talking, she would cry. But she doesn’t cry anymore.”
Qadira added, “The moment I am most proud of is when I bake. Since I took a loan from the World Vision, I bought the tandoor and helped myself. I became comfortable. It is a big achievement to help myself and my children and have a comfortable life without relying on anyone.”
These days, since the deaths of her parents, Qadira doesn’t have much in the world except her children and her sister. She often goes to her sister’s house because she also gives her comfort and encourages her to be patient.
Despite all she has been through, Qadira still dreams. She dreams of peace. “I have lots of wishes for the future. I want peace of mind. I want my children to have a bright future.”.
Through the Safe Return Project’s savings group activity, 1,241 women participated in savings groups in Hamdaniyah and Mosul. This activity aims to help women build financial resilience by supporting them to save together in a safe, convenient, and flexible way. Meanwhile, the Group Problem Management Plus sessions help women like Qadira to open up about their problems, vent, and learn to manage the stresses of life.
Group Problem Management Plus is a brief psychosocial intervention developed by the World Health Organization to support individuals and communities affected by stress, loss, and trauma. It aims to improve the mental health and wellbeing of individuals by helping them identify and address the practical and emotional problems they are facing. This year 367 participants participated in five Group Problem Management Plus sessions, meanwhile throughout the life of the project 1,388 people participated in these sessions.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.