Celebrating Families helps couple shepherd their children with gentleness
As a Christian, Jean Marie Vianney thought he knew the meaning of the biblical references to the “rod and staff.” For more than 50 years, it was obvious to him—if a child does something wrong, correct them with physical force, no questions asked.
The bitterly harsh punishment he endured as a boy was common where he grew up in rural western Rwanda but had a profound impact. Carrying his father’s and grandfather’s disciplinarian habits into his own family, the 52-year-old father of six assumed “the rod” was for hitting.
“Growing up that way, I thought that’s how children should be punished,” he says. “That’s how I punished my children.”
Jean Marie and his wife, Goreth, are among 23,000 Rwandans and 638,000 parents and caregivers overall in 33 countries who participated in Celebrating Families in 2023 as part of World Vision’s Let the Children Come Christian discipleship program. Celebrating Families equips parents, pastors, and community leaders with parenting training that fosters safe and loving family environments rooted in biblical concepts and Christian values.
Like the others in their cohort, Goreth and Jean Marie attended a three-day workshop. Then they met monthly with other couples to put their learning into practice. This provided a natural form of accountability. The experience sparked a transformation in the couple, which in turn has profoundly affected their family and community around them.
"When parents have a good relationship, you definitely see it among the children,” says 56-year-old Zebedee Bahivi, the pastor who trained them. “Personally, I’m happy to see the change in families.”
Learning to “use the staff to guide not beat”
In the Celebrating Families workshop, Goreth, Jean Marie, and their classmates explored their past and discovered why they might have certain long-held beliefs about marriage, relationships, parenting, etc. They consulted Scripture to understand how God intended them to live in light of the gospel. The trainers showed them how they can love themselves and their spouses. They also called on each of them to own their past, repent of how they have treated others, and commit to change, for the sake of their children, family, and broader community.
Through this process, Goreth and Jean Marie realised the Bible actually portrays the rod and staff as a symbol of God’s strength, protection, guidance, and love, rather than as an instrument of physical punishment. The shepherd can use the staff to forcefully fend off attacking wolves. But, on his sheep, he uses it to gently guide and direct them, and even rescue them when they have gone astray.
“That's when I realised that, actually, you don't have to beat a child until the child cannot even eat food, cannot even sleep, cannot even cry,” Jean Marie says, harkening to his childhood. “You can talk to a child. You can use the ‘rod’ to talk to the child in the right way. And then the child can listen to you, can understand.”
Pastor Zebedee, a longtime World Vision partner and Celebrating Families master trainer, remembers watching Goreth and Jean Marie’s transformation. The workshop changed their minds. The six months of small-group accountability solidified their heart change. And accountability in love makes it sustainable, he says.
“It also helps them to open up, be confident, and talk about the real issues,” Pastor Zebedee says, noting that World Vision and church leaders coordinate volunteers who visit participants weekly to catch up, coach, and monitor progress. “The follow-up is what really brings the change to families.”
Celebrating Families enabled the couple to ask questions and work out personal and relational hang-ups. They learned to dialogue with their children based on biblical teachings, to sit and talk through issues, and to discipline gently with words. They now believe the right way to discipline their children is through dialogue, says Goreth, who had similar childhood experiences to her husband and fully approved of the harsh physical discipline of their children.
“We realised we were doing something wrong,” she says. “Now I tell others they need to change when I see it happen [in other families]”
The family’s change of mind, heart, and actions is so clear that only one year later, they already are sharing their experience with neighbors and friends, including referring some troubled families, to enroll in Celebrating Families. As a pastor, counselor, mentor, and trainer, Zebedee is immersed in the struggles and triumphs of Christians and non-Christians throughout his community. Time and again, he has seen God’s power move in and through families that participate in World Vision programs.
"Celebrating Families came to bond the family. There is accountability within the groups and within the church,” he says. “It helps us live our calling, as Jesus said to go out and preach the Word of God.”
Twelve-year-old Gloria, Goreth and Jean Marie’s third child attests to her parents’ transformation. Recently, while Jean Marie was away, Gloria accidentally caused her father’s priced framed certificate to fall off their living room hutch. The glass broke and made a mess. In a panic, Gloria fled to a neighbor’s house, fearing an angry response from her father. Her mother convinced her to come home, and to her surprise, when Jean Marie returned, he greeted her with gentleness and self-control, forgiving her.
“In our family, we enjoy God's love because we see it in our parents and they love each other,” Gloria says, with her siblings’ agreement. “They also talk to us and tell us that God is the one who blessed us and that he loves us very much and that they want us to grow up in God's love.”
Transformed, equipped, and united
Goreth and Jean Marie are realistic about people's struggles in life. Relationships are hard. Parenting can be challenging. But they also are confident they have what they need to grow and thrive as a family.
“As people who live together, issues will always be there,” says Jean Marie. “But the difference is that … now we know how to manage the issues better. Violence is like a bush on fire. A stable family brings happiness.”
Today, Jean Marie says he is most grateful for his and Goreth’s improved connection with their children. While the change is still relatively fresh for the family, they are already creating habits to make it stick. In mid-2024, they established regular family meetings. This fosters closer relationships between parents and children and among the siblings. It also provides a forum for kids and parents alike to air grievances and resolve tensions or discipline issues through conversation, confession, forgiveness, and goal setting. Gloria even acts as family secretary, recording the meeting minutes and documenting which family members committed to work on a certain issue they admitted to. As their family unifies and strengthens, they want to spread love to those around them.
“It’s important more families do this because we saw the difference in our family,” Goreth says. “It’s important for us to share the knowledge with other families.”
These days, Goreth and Jean Marie’s family is more united. Gloria and her siblings can think about the future because their parents encourage them to study, and they also provide the clothes and school supplies the children need to succeed.
“They tell us that if we study well, we will become great people,” Gloria says.
Celebrating Families helps parents provide a safer, more nurturing home life for their children. It also fosters unity among partner pastors and churches and enables them to stay on mission and reach people outside the church, Pastor Zebedee says.
"The church starts with the family. If there is conflict in families, there will be conflict within the church," he says. "When there is unity in the families, then there is unity in the church. When there is unity in the church, there is unity in the community.”
Story and Photos by: Chris Huber, Sr. Impact Communications Specialist, WVUS International Programs Group.